"Simple life... I want a simple life." - Starfucker
Being a 1st generation college student, I never realized how much pressure was bestowed upon my shoulders when I clicked "Accept". It all happened so fast- Summer passed by and I found myself packing so much shit in one tiny luggage suitcase. The scenery changed... Everything changed. From the suburban confines of my neighborhood to the bustling city of San Francisco. I never knew that this was it. The beginning of the end.I was baffled at how similar college was to high school. Despite the huge difference in maturity level, everything-from classes to even the food- it just felt like nostalgia to me.
Nobody gave a fuck about you, it was all swim or sink. Even choosing classes was such a hassle! I came to college with a stereotypical thought of sororities and frat parties, strict professors, and straight up hook ups.
*down the trash it went*
Not everything you see on Disney channel or even comedy movies like American Pie depict the reality of college. When I first came to college, I felt like I was alone. Desperately seeking for someone to guide me through these tough times. My parents weren't as supportive as I thought despite always buying me daily necessities. Still I felt alone. I just felt straight out alienated... My friends went to community college,moved away, or just went on with their lives. Funny how after high school, people become strangers.
I learned that being the first in your family to go to college had its bitter sweet moments.
The burden of being the pioneer in the family, the burden of having being compared to others by your parents, the burden of wasting a life time's investment of hard work that your parents put so much effort into, the fear of wasting away hard earned money, the burden of failing and bringing disappointment to your family.. it all was stacked upon my shoulders like Jenga. One false slip and it'd all fall down.
On the other hand, I wasn't confined to doing household chores and stereotypical family orientated work. I felt free despite in the back of my head, I was afraid of being too free that I'd fall and find myself failing college.
I still find myself being chained down with a hand cuffs filled with regret and despair.
"Should I have not gone to college? I should have gone to work instead.. I don't want to waste my parent's money.. What can I do to pay? Why wont my parents let me work? Am I going to fail? I'm worthless. I don't know what to do.. Someone help me please.. etc etc"
All these thoughts.. they infest my mind. Instead of one seed of doubt, it's a whole wheat field.
Despite these thoughts I try hard to push away such regrets, such negativity.
Sometimes I feel that hope is the greatest thing we have as humans. Without it, we wouldn't be able to move. We wouldn't be able to keep going. We wouldn't be able to see, to feel, to dream without hope..
To be continued.
